Morning, Ben.
Listen to me... You are a mascot.
You're not even supposed to be up here in the office.
Your only job is to rev up the crowd
during sporting events. The photocopier ran out of ink,
so I put another toner cartridge in there. Okay, great. Thanks.
Hey, everyone! I got a bunch of promotional stuff
for Alonzo's charity tennis event.
Come and get it. It's one size fits all.
I'm not sure about that.
It feels like nighttime in my head.
That's a wristband, Roman.
Ohh. That is better.
What an improvement.
"Rackets for R.M."? Boy, Alonzo's really scraping
the bottom of the charity disease barrel on this one.
Rheumatoid Mylopenia is a rare disorder
that causes the joints and connective tissue
to overheat and melt inside the body.
No jokes there.
It's more commonly known as "jello bones. " Oh. They... they found one.
You know, I think someone's just jealous because Alonzo
gets to play tennis against Jimmy Connors.
That's me... The jealous someone is me!
Good morning, beautiful people. Honey, what's the matter?
Yeah, honey. What's the matter?
Did the choir of angels who wake you up
get in a fight with the fairies who dress you? No, Ben.
My tennis partner, channel 7's Dusty Cruntler,
got hit by a car this morning. (Gasps) The Weatherwizard?
Oh! He always knows what the day's gonna bring. I'm pretty sure he didn't know
the day was gonna bring a 2-ton luxury sedan
onto the sidewalk and ultimately, his pelvis.
I gotta find a replacement right away. Oh! Pick me Pick me! I'm a great tennis player.
I love Jimmy Connors, and I love jelly kids.
Jello. No, thanks. I'm talking to Alonzo.
Well, Ben, it's a celebrity tennis tournament.
And even in the loosest terms, you're... you're just not a celebrity.
I saw the list of players Alonzo, Alan Thicke will be participating.
Excellent point, Ben. You can play.
Yes! Team mates! I play the backhand side,
and I'm a grunter. Let's do this.
Hello, everyone! Big morning. Yours truly finally learned
how to do the Twitters on her smartphone.
I also had a car accident... Completely unrelated.
Meeting adjourned. (Phone chimes, bird chirps)
Oh! Hey! My colorist, Julian, is no longer my only follower
on the Twitter device.
Ben...
"Driving in the rain while watching a documentary
"on hummingbirds on my phone.
Oops! Yes, I just had a major car accident."
You hit Weatherwizard Dusty Cruntler.
Now I gotta play tennis with this guy! I'm very excited.
The law clearly states, if you're standing
within 10 feet of the road,
you must always wear an orange cone as a hat.
Or something like that.
No, you're right. That is the exact law.
Oh, mom? Hey.
I know you had a crazy morning,
but, um, we were supposed to meet for breakfast.
Oh! Gosh. I'm terribly sorry, dear.
What can I possibly do to make it up to you?
Well, last time you missed it, you said, "let's schedule it
one week from today, and I promise I won't miss it."
That's perfect. Let's do it one week from today, and I p...
And I promise I won't miss it. And I promise I won't miss it.
(Laughs)
Go home.
I made you some hot chocolate. Oh. That's nice.
Yeah, I put a couple of marshmallows in there.
Go home. All right.
(Grunts)
(Grunt)
So... you just started playing tennis for this tournament?
Oh, yeah. I just found this tennis racket in my garage.
(Blows air)
Pretty easy game.
How long you been playing?
Oh, you know... Four or five...
(Panting) Since I was 4 or 5.
(Laughs)
Roman, I appreciate the enthusiasm. Little tip, though...
Next time, wait for the point to be over before you grab the ball.
Third time I'm telling you. (Tires screech)
Where's the cigarette machine? In the 1970s.
Well, where can a lady find a long, thin, sophisticated cigarette
that says she's arrived in a man's world? Cigarettes are bad for you, Crystal.
People should know this. I'm gonna tweet about it.
(Whirring)
She's gonna tweet about it.
(Cell phone rings)
Hey, guys, it's Alice.
It's amazing how well you and Alonzo are getting along.
I mean, seeing how you dated Alice right before him,
and he's perfect, and you're not.
Shh! He doesn't know. Of course he knows.
He's dedicated his whole life to helping others,
and your flaws are pretty much out here for everyone to see.
I'm talking about Alice.
Ben, he knows Alice. She's his girlfriend.
Ball!
On it.
Okay.
(Laughs) You too, sweetie.
Ooh! She's got you on a short leash, huh?
Well, I guess Alice likes to touch base with me a lot
because her last boyfriend was such a jerk.
Her last boyfriend before you?
Yeah. He did a real number on her.
She said he had commitment issues, selfish,
so it really messed with her head. Well, that is surprising to hear.
Because it's new information that I'm just taking in,
and it surprises me. Yeah, well, you know, sometimes
a boyfriend has to fix the damage the last guy did.
You know what I'm talking about, right? I do?
I do. I do?
(Mouths words)
Whoa! Listen, we're not gonna get anywhere against Connors
just standing around talking about our girlfriends.
Let's play.
Oh, sorry.
It's all right. I got it. My time to shine! (Grunts)
(Bird chirps)
(Laughs) Mom? Mom? Mom!
Aah! (Tires screech, thud)
Oh.
Oops.
(Men) * Mr. sunshine *
♪ yay ♪
Sync and corrections by GeirDM for www.addic7ed.com
yeah, he's gonna be okay. (Exhales)
Just need a little info. Is anyone here close to him?
Not really. This is the boy's mother.
Sir, I am the boy's mother. Great. Age?
Like a fine wine, I'm mellowing.
He's talking about Roman's age.
Wait. I know this. It starts with a...
Pass.
Does he have any allergies to medication?
Play. None at all.
Weight?
My God. I'm not a sideshow carny.
Don't give him any medicine. He's allergic to everything.
And his blood type is o positive, and it tastes salty.
Don't cut your eyes at me, young man.
Who knows this stuff about their children, anyway?
We often find that parents do. It's not her fault.
She bounced from husband to husband,
spent all of her time running this arena.
Not to mention the personal demons.
This is a family thing. I'm gonna step back. (Roman whimpers)
I have to talk to you, and it's important.
Oh, please don't let this be about your hair again.
Just get highlights or don't. Have you told Alonzo about us?
What? No. What are you talking about?
You haven't told him anything?
I might have mentioned the existence
of a person like you, in a general way.
He knows some details about ex-boyfriends,
but, uh, no. I haven't told him about us.
Okay. That's good. That's good. No. No, wait. It... it's not good.
Months have passed, and I haven't told him.
I'm afraid the window's closed, and I feel so guilty about it.
I've tried to tell him a bunch of times, but I always bail
and say something like, "let's go take a pottery class."
And then, you know... We go take a pottery class.
I don't think you should tell Alonzo about us.
We were hanging out way before you guys got serious.
Why make it messy? Yeah. I guess if I haven't told him by now...
Exactly. The window's closed. Let's make a blood oath.
I'll go get a knife from under Heather's desk. No, I'm not taking a blood oath.
Let's just promise each other that what happened between us
stays between us. Yeah, fine.
By the way, what did you tell him about me, in a general way?
Good things? None of your business.
Does he know about the move? Because that is my move.
I don't wanna hear on the street that he's using my move. He doesn't need your move.
Great. I'll see ya.
Good. There you are.
You know my personal attorney, Neil Dobrin.
Uh, yes. I recognize you from the side of buses.
You grew a beard. Well, I was in hiding for a while.
Ah, that's nice.
So, Ben, um, I'm gonna need you to testify
that Roman was sniffing glue at the time of the accident.
Crystal, you can't possibly think
that Roman is actually going to sue you.
He's angry about years of neglect.
You saw the rage he flew into when I missed breakfast.
He brought you a muffin.
Roman is wildly passive-aggressive.
Besides, you don't know my family. They're crazy litigious.
I-it's not a racial term. It means they sue a lot.
You seem like an excellent attorney, Neil.
I may be the best.
Well, I will draw up the papers.
Thank you, Neil.
Whew.
Crystal, the problem is that you don't know your own family.
If you knew Roman at all, you'd know
he would never try to sue you.
So instead of trying to build a case against him,
why don't you just try to get to know him? Ooh. Now I like that.
Keep your enemies close, your family closer.
Jesus said that. No, he didn't.
Okay. How do we do the get-to-know-you thing?
Because Roman and I have nothing to talk about,
and it seems like he has a slight difficulty grasping things,
and let's face it, I can tend to be a bit of a narciss...
Hello, pretty lady.
Why don't you just invite Roman to the tennis gala
you're throwing for Jimmy Connors?
(Gasps) That's fantastic.
I will give him the night of his life.
There's no way he'd sue me after that.
You sly boots you.
(Gasps)
I have no idea what's happening.
Roman, dear! Could you come here a minute, please?
Oh. Careful. It's all right.
First, I-I wanna say how deeply sorry I am for what happened earlier,
when I stopped my cart so close to you, and you hurled yourself in front of it.
Mm. Yeah, I'm sorry.
Also, I'd like to ask you to be the guest of honor
at my tennis gala tomorrow evening.
Really?
Yeah. And whatever you want to eat, you shall eat.
And whatever you want to do, you shall do.
All right. Um...
Well, I'd like mashed potatoes and tater tots.
You better write this down. I'll remember it.
And, you know, just to hang out with you.
Oh, no. No, no, no. No, dear.
I said anything you want. Yeah. That's it.
Two types of potatoes and my mom.
(Snaps fingers) Granted.
(Laughs) Oh, man!
My first super-rare-disease tennis gala held in my honor!
What's his game, Benjamin? What's he trying to get at?
I really think he's just trying to get at potatoes.
Just so you know, I'm wearing a bathrobe
because I'm not comfortable being naked
in front of a big group of people. If it was just you and me, I'd be fine.
Let's talk about something else. Yeah.
Here's something... tell me more about what Alice said
about her ex-boyfriend. Well, just that he's not a great guy.
Nah. Nah.
Well, she did go out with him for a while.
Must be something she liked about him.
I don't think so. She said he was, uh, self-centered...
Yeah. Insensitive...
Maybe. A bad dresser.
You wear ugg boots one time. What are you mumbling about?
I don't know. Maybe the guy was just a little self-involved,
but genuinely a decent person.
Well, Alice said he was an egotistical jerk.
Well, there must have been some reason she stayed with him.
Maybe he was amazing in bed. Oh no, no, no. She actually said he was awful in bed.
I was not!
What?
He was not! This bad man who is not me, who is me.
You were with Alice? Listen, if we're gonna get in a fight,
I think I should put some pants on. What?
Well, someone could come in and mistake it for angry love. Ben.
Yes, we dated briefly. It ended a few months ago.
Alice and I were dating a few months ago.
Yes, it ended roughly around the same time
you guys started going out.
How rough? Pretty rough?
I don't believe this.
Well, the good news is, you and I finally have something in common.
Forget I said that.
(Indistinct conversations)
Hello... son!
Welcome to your night.
Aw, mom! This is the best day ever!
A tennis gala in my honor. Mm-hmm.
Oh! And I get to keep my spleen.
And I did it all for you, son.
Not at all because of the golf cart thing,
or breakfast, or your teen years.
And... and speaking of completely unselfish acts,
let me introduce you to someone.
Ow.
Legendary tennis champ Jimmy Connors,
I'd like you to meet...
Just Roman.
(Chuckles) Hi, Jimmy.
Hey, champ. It's an honor to share this evening with you.
You sad, boneless kids
are an inspiration to us all.
Ah, this isn't a big deal. I'll be back to normal in no time.
You really believe that, don't you?
I mean, of course I'd like to dance
and be able to feed myself tonight.
But eh. It's just bad luck, I guess.
I'll tell you what... Just for tonight,
let my body be your body.
Fantastic!
(Laughs)
(Indistinct conversations)
Do you know? Know what?
The... way to San Jose?
W-what? I'll see ya.
I've gotta talk to you.
Hey, have you met Jimmy Connors yet?
He's my body tonight! Yeah. He's already in line
at the chocolate fountain for me.
Come on. Out of the way, pork chop.
Question... who are you more afraid of, Alonzo or Alice?
Oh, man. Have I thought about this. Okay, listen...
Alonzo... oh! His athletic build can be intimidating,
but he's really a nice guy. Alice, while a girl...
Man, does she seem scrappy. There's a wildcat inside there.
I wouldn't wanna pull its tail. You've got three seconds.
Alice. Me, too.
Hey, pal. I know you're mad.
I'm not mad you two went out, Ben. I'm mad Alice didn't tell me.
Here's an idea...
Why don't we keep our secret from her? See how she likes it!
That'll get her! Ha! We're gonna handle this like adults.
Right. Yes. We're adults.
He knows about us. He knows about us. What? How?
I told him! I told him!
Oh. Oh.
He knows. He knows.
Are you completely out of your mind?
Why did you tell Alonzo? I thought we made a pact.
I had to defend myself after all the terrible things
you said about me. What do you mean?
Insensitive, I'll give you. Self-involved, sure. But bad in bed?
I mean, yes, there were a couple of times after big meals
I wish I had waited and taken a walk,
but most of the time, I thought it was pretty neat.
That wasn't about you.
That was about Greg, my last real boyfriend.
That was like a year and a half ago. Greg? Who the hell was Greg?
I thought I was your last boyfriend.
You? I didn't consider you a boyfriend.
In fact, I barely considered you at all.
Oh.
(Silverware clinks)
Huh?
Best meal ever. (Giggles)
All my faves are here.
Oh, man. This is a lot of starch.
It all looks so delicious, I don't know what to have first...
The mashed potatoes, tater tots? Why don't you have both at the same time?
You don't seem to have a problem with that.
(Mouth full) Oh, yeah. You gotta have 'em both at the same time.
It's a texture high! (Laughs)
I'm happy with mashed potatoes.
When I had the tater tots, I was in a dark place.
You would have to be in a dark place to mess with the tater tots.
The tater tots are right in front of you, and they have feelings.
The mashed potatoes just wish the macaroni and tater tots
had been more forthright.
Look, the macaroni has terrible guilt over this.
And for your information, the macaroni-tater tot pairing
was hardly a romance for the ages.
See, I disagree with that. I'm gonna tell you why...
The tater tots would like to be heard.
What's happening? Why is the food alive?
Oh!
I just got it.
We all know the tater tots are selfish and immature,
but I expected more from the macaroni.
I did, too.
I blew it, okay? I feel awful.
You should go.
Ben and Alice were an item and Alonzo just found out?
(Roman) Yep. (Gasps)
Wow! This is just so... Messy? I know.
Yay! Tell me everything, son. Tell me everything.
Does... does that make you tater tots, then? Not now, Jimmy!
Although I am very excited to meet you.
Cool.
Hey. Hey.
She locked herself in, so if you wanna talk to her,
you gotta get in line. Well, actually, I came out here to talk to you.
Look, she wanted to tell you, she just didn't know how.
I think she feels like she's finally found a good guy, and it scares her, you know?
You have to remember, she spent her entire life
going out with morons like me and Greg.
Greg was the one who was bad in bed, by the way.
What's your point, Ben?
My point is that nobody's perfect, except you.
And I don't mean that as a dig.
I mean that literally.
So... when she opens that door,
just remember that she chose you.
You got the girl,
and a pretty great girl at that.
I guess you just have to forgive and...
Okay, well, I'm gonna head back inside...
Unless you guys want to... I'll head back in.
You have to remember.
Now divide that by 8, add a 3,
and that's how I remember I'm 27.
That's what I'm gonna do. (Laughs) (Laughs)
Look at us. We've talked the night away.
It's been an amazing night, mom.
You know, if it all ended tomorrow, I think I'd be okay.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't stand it.
These freakin' people!
I agree, son. It's been a wonderful evening.
(Laughs)
I'm sorry to interrupt.
(Clicks pen) But, Roman, if you could just sign
here, here, here, and initial here, you release your mother... (Mouthing words)
From all liability related to the accident,
and you receive a generous gift certificate
to San Diego suit barn. (Mouths words)
I don't understand.
It's a discount clothing store.
Leave us, Neil.
Roman, this is a bad mistake, a very bad mistake.
You were just being nice to me so I-I wouldn't sue you?
That was Ben's plan, but...
Yes, and I feel terrible,
particularly because we connected tonight.
Am I an awful mother?
No. (Sighs)
You just haven't perfected it yet. Oh.
I tell you what... I'll sign your papers
when you show up for breakfast next week.
Ooh! Nicely done.
(Laughs) You are your mother's son. I'll see you next Friday.
Wednesday. I have something.
I'll change it.
(Both laugh)
Hi. Hi.
Do you play?
Mm.
(Plays discordant notes)
No, I don't.
Look, I'm sorry I said that you didn't matter.
The truth is, I didn't know how to define you.
You weren't a boyfriend. You weren't not a boyfriend.
You were something in between.
But you were definitely something.
Well, I'll... I'll take that.
Hey, I'm just glad the move is safe.
I gotta be honest with you. I don't remember the move.
What?
What are you doing? Well, I think at this stage in our relationship,
it would be inappropriate for me to show you the move,
so I am going to draw it for you.
Oh, my God.
Well, that's not to scale. (Plays note)
(Man, amplified voice) Please welcome
tennis legend Jimmy Connors!
(Cheering)
And his partner, former boy actor, Fred Savage!
Playing against NBA legend Alonzo Pope!
And his partner, the guy in the red shirt.
(Smack) Omp!
We good now?
Gettin' there.
Sync and corrections by GeirDM for www.addic7ed.com